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“Oh, she’s a big girl, she likes her food”.
The fact is, I don’t “like” food. I hate food. It’s turned me into someone completely defined by the layers of tissue that hang over the top of my jeans. But I also love food. I worship it. I yearn for it. Every waking second is defined by what I am eating and what I will be eating in the near future.
The problem is, you can’t just give up food. It’s not like being an alcoholic. You’d die. I try to eat wholesome foods but as soon as that first piece of fruit passes my mouth it’s like a switch has been flicked and rapidly I’m indulging on whatever I can lay my hands on.
I binge unthinkingly and indiscriminately, filling a hollowness that isn’t in my tummy. I don’t know why I can’t stop.
I see folks gawking at me on the outside World, judging me. Fat is greedy. Fat is idle. Fat people are second-class citizens. If they could live a day inside my skin, preoccupied with consumption, a haven where I can find relief and even fleeting seconds of euphoria in a life which is otherwise cheerless, they might comprehend that I’m every bit as deserving of empathy as an anorexic.
Food is my paramour and whilst my most central relationship in life is with food, I have no passion left to give to anyone, or anything else. I used to love theatre once. Not now. I can’t rouse the enthusiasm I used to feel because with every passing second I’m obsessed with where my next mouthful’s going to come from.
My GP has offered me antidepressants, as if an artificial, chemical feeling of contentment is going to detract from my never ending cycle of binge-eating and isolation.
I want to change my mind. I know other people eat normally. They aren’t consumed with thoughts about food every moment of every day. I want to listen to my stomach and know when it’s telling me I’m hungry. I have forgotten how that feels – intuition.
That’s why I’m going to Mark Newey at Winning Minds. His unique neural recoding treatment can release me of the shackles of my addiction and the person I have become. It can remind me of the person I truly am and give me the liberty I want and deserve.
Log onto www.winningminds.co.uk/eating-disorders
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